lancerdesi
03-02-2006, 08:27 AM
Hey, I'm a relatively new poster. I'm 18, male, Indian (obviously), and a first-year student at UCLA. Anyway, I really am glad I found a place to vent, get advice, etc. I've had these thoughts and feelings building up for months now and haven't really found any good place to let them out. I'm very sorry about the length of this post, but if I don't let it out all in one go, I will just explode. These feelings have been building up for months now and it's gotten to the point where I just can't concentrate on anything anymore. If anyone actually reads this and gives me anything, I will be so thankful. Anything: advice, comfort, reprimand, whatever. Just some sort of feedback. So here goes:
I'm an introvert. I spend most of my time in my dorm and have hardly any real friends. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an anti-social schizo who talks to himself and bites people when they try to talk to him. I'm a completely normal guy. I just don't get out much and don't have many friends. I mean, I do say 'hi' and exchange pleasantries if and when we cross paths. If I see a friend in the dining hall, I sit down with him and chat. But I never go out of my way to socialize. Maybe it's just because I find it hard to find people like me, and when I do, I still don't make too much of an effort to get closer to them. Maybe it's fear. Mostly, I just focus on my work and entertain myself by listening to music, watching TV, surfing the net, or reading. I'm not into drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I'm not into parties. So, as you can see, I'm pretty much socially dead.
I plan to be a bit more social in the future, especially in my third year,but even then, not much. The reason I want to try to be social in my third year? I plan to study abroad in the UK that year. I guess I have this feeling that I can start over and build a social life from scratch there by meeting new people. I hate to stereotype, but Brits just seem much more agreeable with me than Californians do. I'll be honest with you. I'm sick of this place and I want to get out of here. But I digress. Plus, you'll see why I want to consciously try to socialize while in the UK if you read on.
I'm planning on focusing on my social life after college, when I get a job (in the UK of course!). My reasoning is that I'll be more mature, and so will other people I meet. So, what do you guys think of this...idea? Do you think it won't be possible for me to meet like-minded people in the UK? Do you think I need to be a bit more social? Do you think I'm just setting myself up for failure?
Now, regarding girls. I've had zero success with them in my life and don't expect to have much with them in college. I know this sounds like I'm looking too far ahead, but again, it's something that I desperately have to get off my chest. I do want to 'find a girl,' as cliché as it sounds, after college. And what I love is that I know what I'm looking for. Mature, not a real socialite, but not a hermit or anything, not a(heavy) drinker or smoker, simple (like me), with ecclectic tastes in music, movies, and books, and an intellectual. I do want a desi girl, and preferably one from India, simply because I just seem to be able to get along with them better. Don't think it's because I think they're naïve or anything. It's simply because they just seem more, well, agreeable to me. Not to insult American-born or British-born desis. I'm an ABCD myself, and I haven't ruled either of those two groups out. But it just seems that I get along with Indian-born people better, for whatever reason. By the way, regarding looks, is it really that bad to want a beautiful girl? Is it shallow? Is it reasonable or common? I honestly don't think it's possible to not care about looks at all.
The thing is that I'm not very interested in 'playing the field.' For whatever reason, I'm already looking torwards marriage, not thinking much about dating. Does this happen to anyone else?
I'm confused as to how it's supposed to happen. It's also a little apprehension and despair. I don't really know how to describe this feeling. I know what I want. I just don't know if I'll ever even get it. I look at myself right now, and I wonder if I can actually change enough to attain these goals. I suppose it's empowering to know that I have the ability to adjust my life to reach these goals, but it's also very daunting and intimidating, especially regarding girls. I don't know if I can ever make myself 'compatible,' as you normal people say, with a girl, much less the 'girl of my dreams.' I keep telling myself that it's okay to feel nothing when I look at girls on this campus because I'm waiting until after college to look for one. But right now, I can't imagine myself with a woman...ever.
I sometimes just feel so disheartened about this. I look at all the 'normal' college students out there. I see them socializing, going to parties, and getting girlfriends seemingly every few months or even weeks. I see frat boys and sorority girls constantly 'hooking up.' I see people going out to parties, getting hammered, and smoking hookah. I constantly see Indian guys, both on and off campus, who are so different from me. They style their hair, go out and party, drink, smoke hookah, and wear fancy clothes. And, no offense to them, but they come off as total, well, douche bags! And then I look at myself: a simple introverted engineering student who likes techno music, Jon Stewart, and the BBC and is not exactly Brad Pitt in terms of looks. I can't help but feel like some sort of...freak. And you know what else? But then I sometimes feel so confident about it, that I'll somehow find a woman. I get this warm feeling inside that I'll somehow come across a beautiful girl who's intelligent, simple, and not afraid to stand out from the crowd. I sometimes feel like everything really will work out for the best. It varies.
I guess the things that really get me down are the uncertainty of my ever finding a woman, how long it's supposed to take, and how much I have to change. I can't help but wonder where and how, if at all, I'm supposed to meet the woman. A website like shaadi.com or something like that? A chance encounter at a coffee shop? Work? In India? In the UK?
For most, it's agonizing to wonder who their 'one' is. I agonize just wondering if there even is a 'one' out there for me. If there is a 'one', so many questions cross my mind. What's her name? What does she look like? What does she do? Where's she from? What's she like?
And I've got a question. Am I the only one who doesn't care about sex...at all? I mean, I just don't think about it. Most men think about sex every 7 seconds. For me, it's either comedy, music, football, or work. I mean, I feel so out of place on some forums where all they talk about is sex.
I hear people say, “It'll come to you when you're ready.” I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that. I'm so used to everything happening at a set time: tests, test results, appointments, football games, flights home, getting acceptance letters, etc. It feels so odd not knowing when something will come.
I guess that, for now, all I can do is continue to live my life and ogle at Bollywood actresses.
Things are really going badly for me right now. I'm just getting crushed by academics, my sleep schedule is shot to hell, and now this feeling of confusion that's taken me by the neck and refuses to let go. They say that there's supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, that times like this are supposed to pass. If there is supposed to be a light at the end of this tunnel, I'm not seeing it.
I'm an introvert. I spend most of my time in my dorm and have hardly any real friends. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an anti-social schizo who talks to himself and bites people when they try to talk to him. I'm a completely normal guy. I just don't get out much and don't have many friends. I mean, I do say 'hi' and exchange pleasantries if and when we cross paths. If I see a friend in the dining hall, I sit down with him and chat. But I never go out of my way to socialize. Maybe it's just because I find it hard to find people like me, and when I do, I still don't make too much of an effort to get closer to them. Maybe it's fear. Mostly, I just focus on my work and entertain myself by listening to music, watching TV, surfing the net, or reading. I'm not into drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I'm not into parties. So, as you can see, I'm pretty much socially dead.
I plan to be a bit more social in the future, especially in my third year,but even then, not much. The reason I want to try to be social in my third year? I plan to study abroad in the UK that year. I guess I have this feeling that I can start over and build a social life from scratch there by meeting new people. I hate to stereotype, but Brits just seem much more agreeable with me than Californians do. I'll be honest with you. I'm sick of this place and I want to get out of here. But I digress. Plus, you'll see why I want to consciously try to socialize while in the UK if you read on.
I'm planning on focusing on my social life after college, when I get a job (in the UK of course!). My reasoning is that I'll be more mature, and so will other people I meet. So, what do you guys think of this...idea? Do you think it won't be possible for me to meet like-minded people in the UK? Do you think I need to be a bit more social? Do you think I'm just setting myself up for failure?
Now, regarding girls. I've had zero success with them in my life and don't expect to have much with them in college. I know this sounds like I'm looking too far ahead, but again, it's something that I desperately have to get off my chest. I do want to 'find a girl,' as cliché as it sounds, after college. And what I love is that I know what I'm looking for. Mature, not a real socialite, but not a hermit or anything, not a(heavy) drinker or smoker, simple (like me), with ecclectic tastes in music, movies, and books, and an intellectual. I do want a desi girl, and preferably one from India, simply because I just seem to be able to get along with them better. Don't think it's because I think they're naïve or anything. It's simply because they just seem more, well, agreeable to me. Not to insult American-born or British-born desis. I'm an ABCD myself, and I haven't ruled either of those two groups out. But it just seems that I get along with Indian-born people better, for whatever reason. By the way, regarding looks, is it really that bad to want a beautiful girl? Is it shallow? Is it reasonable or common? I honestly don't think it's possible to not care about looks at all.
The thing is that I'm not very interested in 'playing the field.' For whatever reason, I'm already looking torwards marriage, not thinking much about dating. Does this happen to anyone else?
I'm confused as to how it's supposed to happen. It's also a little apprehension and despair. I don't really know how to describe this feeling. I know what I want. I just don't know if I'll ever even get it. I look at myself right now, and I wonder if I can actually change enough to attain these goals. I suppose it's empowering to know that I have the ability to adjust my life to reach these goals, but it's also very daunting and intimidating, especially regarding girls. I don't know if I can ever make myself 'compatible,' as you normal people say, with a girl, much less the 'girl of my dreams.' I keep telling myself that it's okay to feel nothing when I look at girls on this campus because I'm waiting until after college to look for one. But right now, I can't imagine myself with a woman...ever.
I sometimes just feel so disheartened about this. I look at all the 'normal' college students out there. I see them socializing, going to parties, and getting girlfriends seemingly every few months or even weeks. I see frat boys and sorority girls constantly 'hooking up.' I see people going out to parties, getting hammered, and smoking hookah. I constantly see Indian guys, both on and off campus, who are so different from me. They style their hair, go out and party, drink, smoke hookah, and wear fancy clothes. And, no offense to them, but they come off as total, well, douche bags! And then I look at myself: a simple introverted engineering student who likes techno music, Jon Stewart, and the BBC and is not exactly Brad Pitt in terms of looks. I can't help but feel like some sort of...freak. And you know what else? But then I sometimes feel so confident about it, that I'll somehow find a woman. I get this warm feeling inside that I'll somehow come across a beautiful girl who's intelligent, simple, and not afraid to stand out from the crowd. I sometimes feel like everything really will work out for the best. It varies.
I guess the things that really get me down are the uncertainty of my ever finding a woman, how long it's supposed to take, and how much I have to change. I can't help but wonder where and how, if at all, I'm supposed to meet the woman. A website like shaadi.com or something like that? A chance encounter at a coffee shop? Work? In India? In the UK?
For most, it's agonizing to wonder who their 'one' is. I agonize just wondering if there even is a 'one' out there for me. If there is a 'one', so many questions cross my mind. What's her name? What does she look like? What does she do? Where's she from? What's she like?
And I've got a question. Am I the only one who doesn't care about sex...at all? I mean, I just don't think about it. Most men think about sex every 7 seconds. For me, it's either comedy, music, football, or work. I mean, I feel so out of place on some forums where all they talk about is sex.
I hear people say, “It'll come to you when you're ready.” I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that. I'm so used to everything happening at a set time: tests, test results, appointments, football games, flights home, getting acceptance letters, etc. It feels so odd not knowing when something will come.
I guess that, for now, all I can do is continue to live my life and ogle at Bollywood actresses.
Things are really going badly for me right now. I'm just getting crushed by academics, my sleep schedule is shot to hell, and now this feeling of confusion that's taken me by the neck and refuses to let go. They say that there's supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, that times like this are supposed to pass. If there is supposed to be a light at the end of this tunnel, I'm not seeing it.