talks about marriage [Archive]

sunilkumar

11-25-2005, 01:45 PM

After the guy and girl meet, and say, the girl agrees to the arranged marriage, does the guy, ever in any circumstance, have the right to be noncommittal?

Answer to above question is Yes but at the same time if boys agree to the arranged marriage in above case. then gal also have right to be noncommital... if any one is not ready to marry with each other than how they can have happy married life... but this all phase are before engagement... once engagement is done they dont meet any other candidate for purpose of marriage.

I mean, is it ever an option for the guy not to say yes or no, but rather leave his options open (to meet with other girls)?

These options are always open for both boys and gal. (Note:- they just meet with few candidate share there view regarding life , talks regarding there like dislike... and from them they decide with whom they can have better life...In good family nobody is pressurizes to marry... yea mom dad all have their opinion regarding candidate to whom there son or daughter had meet for purpose of marriage, they say their opinion rest depends on child to decide with whom they want to live......Remember ==>mom dad they don’t pressurizes to marry any specific candidate in good family (i.e. broad minded).... but once boy and gal find each other suitable for themselves .. then their engagement is done....& then within few days marriage).

In arrange marriage first two family meets they do initial talk ,,, then both gal and boy see each other .. they talk with each other ,,, they take there own time ,, but within that time frame if gal had seen some other candidate .. for marriage purpose & she likes other candidate ...than she can say no to the first one ... same thing apply in case of boy also

You can also read my reply related to arrange marriage in below link

http://www.indiabook.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=1252

Always Friend Sunilkumar

CJgirl

11-25-2005, 03:22 PM

Thanks for the information. I am very interested in Indian culture and as a result have more questions. When a boy and girl meet for an "arranged marriage meeting," and they decide to remain noncommitted (neither yes or no) and are free to talk/interview other possible candidates, can they communicate with each other via phone, email or letters during the time they are still pursuing other possible mates using the arranged marriage process? What is the usual procedure?

India1989

11-26-2005, 03:36 PM

Yeah sure they could do that. They could talk to the other person over phone, chat and go out while talking with other people. Just make sure that the person knows that the other people know that he/she is just a friend.

CJgirl

11-28-2005, 08:34 PM

On 11-23-2005 Megrisoft posted a saying. Would someone please translate it for me? Thanks.

sunilkumar

11-29-2005, 02:31 PM

Originally by Megrisoft
==============================
There is one saying also,
Shaadi ka ladoo jo khaye wo Pachhtaye,
Aur jo na Khaye wo bhi Pachhtaye.
==============================

The meaning of "Shaadi ka ladoo jo khaye wo Pachhtaye Aur jo na Khaye wo bhi Pachhtaye."

Marriage is like that sweets (note:- name of one Indian sweet is ladoo) those who eat they think they had done mistake and those who don’t they think that they missed some thing==> (i.e ladoo to eat).

But i believe Sweets are always good to eat &... :D we dont have to feel bad by eating sweet... If you don’t eat still you are going to die and if you eat then also .. so better to eat & then die .. ha ha ha

CJgirl

11-30-2005, 01:58 AM

Thanks for the translation and commentary, I found both very interesting.

More questions: During the major holidays in India (mainly Hindu), are gifts usually given or exchanged, and if so, what type of gifts? Do guests bring gifts to Hindu weddings, if so, what type of gifts are usually given?

Also, do you feel more emphasis is placed on honesty between young Indian couples about to be married than perhaps a couple of another culture (particularly in the US)? Is there something within the Indian culture that forces or teaches Indian couples to be totally honest with each other from the beginning of their relationship, or is it not cultural at all, but rather just something they learn as individuals growing up?

India1989

11-30-2005, 04:31 AM

Ok. First of all during festivals gifts are exchanged. In marriage we give gifts. Generally ornaments, or expensive clothes and stuffs.

Between Indian couples, honesty, respect and trust matters the most. There's nothing in Indian cultures which forces them to be honest. It advices us to be honest and teaches us to be honest.

sunilkumar

11-30-2005, 10:52 AM

India is a country of festival and all festival has his own charm ... Its not necessary that you should give gift ... but generally elder give gift to their younger ...

Below are list of festival

Rakshabandhan==> Mostly festival of brother and sister in which sister tie band on brother hand so that his brother can live longer and brother promise to protect her sister at any cost from all evil
Note :- Your mom, wife, father, brother can also tie band to you it dosent matter ...the thing is that those who tie band (in hindi we call rakhi to band ) they tie coz they want that person to live more and they should be protected by all evils on the other side to whon band is tied they are bound to protect the person who had tied them raki (i.e band)

Holi==> (Festival of Color)

Dipavali==> festival of light

Dev Dipavali==> the birth day of Gurunanak ji which comes after 15 days of diwali on full moon day

Christmas==> I hope you know better than me.

Ramzan Id==> We celebrate that also

Utrayan, Pongal, Makarsankranti==> celebrated on 14th january coz day start to become bigger and biger as sun goes slight towards north.

Ganesh Caturthi==> The festival teach us to protect our mom at any cost.

Janmastmi==> the day lord krishna was born (festival of milk, curd, butter)

Navratri, Durga puja==> festival of dance win of truth over devil (most popular in gujarat & with name of Durga puja in west bengal ..Celebrated for 9 days and the tenth day it is dashera)

Dashera=>Is Celebrated because this day devil ravan was killed by god ram.

Karva chowth==> women festival where they pray for the long life of the husband

Cha-at==> (Big festival in Bihar i dont know much about it)

There is one more cha-at at that day my mom do fast for me without drinking water for my long life (specially done by mother who had male child).

Bhai beeag==> Festival of sister and brother where sister pray for his brother and what ever sister ask brother give that thing to his sister.

Lohari==> Festival of farmer celebrated in punjab (northen part of india)

Our independence day==> 15 th august.

Our Republic day==> 26th January.

New Year Day==> January 1st

Valentine day==>14 th February (now more popular in India yea we don’t get official holiday for this ha ha...)

There are many more festival ....

If some body wants to know more regarding festival then they can search in google and can read about the festival... what ever i was knowing and I remember that i had put on this forum....

Nobody can force any one to be honest ... but most of festival we celebrate, generally remind us the win of honest and truth over devil and evils.

I want to add some thing more ===> any child can be honest from his family only ... its there family who teaches them good thing... this is always true ... a corrupt will always say to his child you cannot get anything without doing corruption .. ha ha.. so ultimatly its family who teaches and preaches honesty, correct moral value to child and plays big role in building their character.

Note:- Courageous will teach to his child to become courageous.

From:- Sunilkumar

helper

11-30-2005, 01:17 PM

Marriage is essential coz one cant live alone without some one to share every thing, every thing means happiness, money, sadness, etc

India1989

11-30-2005, 10:31 PM

sunilkumar nice explaining. I couldn't have done a better job. Good to see that you have included a lot of our festivals.

CJgirl

12-01-2005, 02:56 PM

Thanks for the festival info. I think I will research it more.

Question: If a guy and a girl agree to an arranged marriage, and sometime before the wedding one of them finds out that their husband-to-be or their wife-to-be has previously been sexually active with another person, what happens? Is the wedding called off? What if they do not find out until after the wedding that their husband/wife had been sexually active before their marriage with another person and were not told? What happens to their marriage? From what I understand, during the "arranged marriage interview process," the guy and the girl do not usually ask the other person if they are a virgin or previously had sex, they just assume they are a virgin. No one really knows for sure. Why don't they just come out and ask so they are absolutely positive? I had read somewhere that some guys and girls are not indeed virgins, that the question isn't usually brought up, just assumed, so no one ever knows for sure (sort of don't ask, don't tell). Marriage is such a huge life-long commitment, I would want to ask and not just assume. So, what happens to the engagement or marriage if their sexual past is revealed?

sunilkumar

12-03-2005, 11:28 AM

Before i Reply your above question ? I want to know few thing from you Cjgirl

[1] From Which country you belong?
[2] Would you like to marry any male those who are sexually active with many gal? If yes then y and if no they y?
[3] What is virginity?
[4] How any male can know that any gal is virgin or not & How any female know that male is virgin or not?
[5] What are the circumstance in which female or male lose their virginity?
[6] Do you believe any male or female those who are sexually active before marriage will not be sexually active othere than their spouse after marriage?

That's it...

Its me morally correct
Sunilkumar :)

CJgirl

12-03-2005, 07:23 PM

The replies to your questions are strictly my answers/opinions and in no way reflect how I view other people or other cultures. My intention in asking about the circumstances surrounding arranged marriages (What would happen if...) are purely out of interest and are in no way intended to sound judgemental of Indian culture. I find the way/manner in which Indian customs/culture are carried out very different from what I am use to, and are only trying to understand how and why certain things happen. With that said, here are my answers to your questions:

(1) resident USA

(2) I would consider marrying a guy that previously had a sexual relationship
with another girl, but not one that had many/several sexual realationships.
If this guy had previously been in love with another person and it did
not work out, I could still consider them for marriage. But, the key here is,
the guy was in love, or thought he was in love with that person when
the sex happened between them. That is important to me. Now, guys
that have many/several sexual partners/experiences before marriage
are another matter. To me, this could indicate many things: afraid to
commit, a player (someone that just has causal sex with anyone and
everyone) etc. These are guys I would not consider.

(3) Virginity to me is the state of sexual being before ever having sex for
the first time. Once someone has sex, their virginity is no longer a part
of them.

(4) They absolutely cannot know unless they ask This was my point in the
arranged marriage question.

(5) No, I firmly believe that just because a person had a sexual relationship
before marriage does not mean they will be unfaithful in marriage. I
know many, many, many people that had sexual relationships before
they were married, but they remain faithful to their wife/husband. Now,
once again, the person that perhaps had many/several sexual re-
lationships probably would be more prone to stray during marriage. I am
sure statistics would show they would be more likely to cheat on their
husband/wife during marriage, and I agree with that.

Does this answer your questions? I am in no way seeking to argue the pros
or cons of arranged marriage. I believe arranged marriage has both pros and cons and should be the choice of each individual. I am just seeking the answers to questions that interest me and never seem to be answered
anywhere else. Thanks.

India1989

12-03-2005, 07:36 PM

Ok, once again what one people does or few people do in India does not reflect the characteristics of all the Indians. There are people in India who will call of marriage if they find out that their partner has been sexually active before. After marriage if they find out there can be many consequences.

1. Bad guy - Throw her out or divorce her
2. really bad guy - treat her badly or make her do what he wants
3. ok guy - won't talk to her much or won't give her attention and won't care about her but won't treat her badly.
4. good guy(ME) - understanding, will treat her properly, ask her whether she is happy with him or not. Would it be okay to forget about that and stuff.

Girls
1. bad - divorce her partner
2. really bad - start ignoring him and not caring and start looking for another partner.
3. ok - won't do anything. Won't talk to him
4. soft girls - cannot do anything and will live life normally as she either can't find out or not sure or still is afraid that she cannot do anythign to her husband.
5. good - same as good guys.

sunilkumar

12-05-2005, 08:03 AM

Cjgirl please read the below link.....

http://www.indiabook.com/bbs/showthread.php?p=3247#post3247

I know you are interested in Pros and Cons of Arrange marriage...
But I don't think their is any thing wrong in Arrange marriage, I am staying in India girls in India generally not going to propose any boy ... boy like me also not able to propose any gal, I can be good friend but when it comes to propose any girl.. Then its very difficult coz when you love someone you are scared of rejection... so its always one sided and story ends there.. In my case.

I asked you from which country you r from?.... just to know .... And get an idea about your culture and how peoples are thinking in matter of sex in your country.. There was great episode of sex between monica and your former president Clinton... If such thing is done in India by any minister... then he/she will be kicked from the post and frankly saying people will not going to support them...

My second question was
[2] Would you like to marry any male those who are sexually active with many gal? If yes then y and if no they y?
your reply was==> I would consider marrying a guy that previously had a sexual relationship with another girl, but not one that had many/several sexual relationships.

Note: - you said you will consider. But in India Most of female will not like to marry or even considering man who had a sexual relation with other gril, so same in case of boy.

People do give more important to virginity in India... In marriage father have to do kanaya daan of his daughter to groom. (As per dharma (ie. religion)==> kanaya is always virgin girl and if she is not virgin she is not kanya any more she is just women (i.e. Aurat))

Now tell... If some one had a sex with one girl than what's wrong in having sexual realtion with many other girl ?.....

In Our culture Marriage of male and female is actually forming a new relation ship between two family ... it’s not only a relationship between two people... Well i don’t know but my most of friend those who are in usa says that in usa most of girl start to live with their boy friends and boy start to live with their girlfriend before marriage leaving their parent house and their age is not more than 17 or 18... well in our law girl is not eligible to marry if she is not of 18yr or more and boy must attain age of 21yrs or more. We believe that maturity comes with age... yea there is always exception like child marriage in few community of india but as per law child marriage is illegal.

Your third repy
What is virginity?==>(3) Virginity to me is the state of sexual being before ever having sex for the first time. Once someone has sex, their virginity is no longer a part of them.

It means virginity is a state of mind nothing else right.

Your fourth reply of below written question
[4] How any male can know that any gal is virgin or not & How any female know that male is virgin or not? Your reply===>(4) They absolutely cannot know unless they ask This was my point in the arranged marriage question.

I want to know....In love marriage Do boy and gal tell each other, are they virgin or not? or just take it in other way .. Before falling in love do gal and boy know that to whom they love are virgin or not?

In arrange marriage it better to discuss few thing regarding past like your affair, so that both male and female know each other correctly, trust can be generated... and if some one is saying after his/her engagement or marriage regarding his past to his husband/fiancé or wife/ fiancée than that is useless, unethical in making relationship...

Frankly speaking I don’t know how to ask any gal she is virgin or not while dating... but I can say to her that i don't have any affair in past and i don’t had any bad habit like taking drugs, smoking, going to prostitute... and uptil now morally i am correct. Now its upto her if she wants to tell her past or not...;)

Cjgirl you had not given.. Answer to my fifth question ...

My sixth question was
[6] Do you believe any male or female those who are sexually active before marriage will not be sexually active other than their spouse after marriage?
your (cjgirl) reply was this ==> No, I firmly believe that just because a person had a sexual relationship before marriage does not mean they will be unfaithful in marriage.

I believe those who are sexually active in sex before marriage , think that sex is just for pleasure, it is just the fiction of two skin, it is momentary.... so for them to be devoted to one partner is very difficult.

India1989 <== We cannot say what is good or what is bad it depends on time and the environment which had its own demand and values … yea we must be positive thinker.

Thats it.

From:- Friendly Sunilkuimar

India1989

12-06-2005, 03:29 AM

Nice answer sunil kumar. It has some important stuffs. I have to read it again.

Priyanka

12-06-2005, 03:26 PM

Nice talk on Marriage.... But i want to add some thing may be that is not related to topic
sex before marriage is not fair because when that guy leaves u if he does then it wont be special for the one you get married to, and then people generally loose respect for you, and i think respect for a girl is the most precious thing. i am gona save that sorta thing for my hubbyyyy he he he :D ...if a guy really likes u he wouldnt wana com in between your morals. And if i knew my husband was a virgin or hadnt doen it with anyone else, i know i will be happy, and honured to have him!!! ..thats what i think neway xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

India1989

12-07-2005, 02:03 AM

Yeah I like what you said Priyanka.

CJgirl

12-23-2005, 03:12 PM

Please tell me what the repercussions of a failed arranged marriage means to:
1. the wife
2. the husband
3. the immediate family (their families)
4. the Indian community that surrounds them
5. the extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.)

To clarify, what I want to know is.....if the two people end up not getting along with each other, and cannot get along at all, what happens? How will the people mentioned above react?

Additionally, how is divorce viewed by the people mentioned above? From what I have read, the culture does not accept divorce as an option at all (which is why the divorce rate in India is so low). So, what happens with the couple in this case?

If the arranged marriage fails, and they divorce, can their siblings (brothers and sisters) still have arranged marriages themselves? I once heard that if a girl divorces after having an arranged marriage, then her sister cannot have an arranged marriage.

Thank you. I look forward to receiving replies.

sunilkumar

12-26-2005, 02:11 PM

The consequences of failed arrange marriage is same as that of love marriage. But after arrange marriage if things are not working fine between husband and wife then both the family try to consult with their Childs and try to settle the problem between them. Couple most of time they don’t require other consultant to save their marriage…. :D .

Before I say any thing I will like to mention few things why most of time divorce occurs between couple.

[1] Extra marital Affair by any partner.
[2] Sexually not satisfy with their partner.
[3] Female not Able to adjust with the family of Male because as per Indian Culture female has to do more adjustment.
[4] Ego clash between couple and both are stubborn (i.e. communication gap).
[5] Before marriage any one male or female had said lie about themselves, about their past & which is now know to their partner. Partner now knows that their marriage was on fake not on basis of fact, they are been betrayal by their partner or partner family which really hurts.
[6] Male and Female not able to cope with the diverse situation of life and start shouting on each other and life become hell (i.e. no understanding between them, both are self centered & no one is trying to adjust for time being just blaming on each other, they are not thinking that this is life there will always be ups and down both have to work it out together to cope with this diverse situation of life)

Now Social Consequences of divorce

Wife (Female)<-- she can again marry, arrange marriage is also possible but most of time she will not get husband those who are not single, she will get divorce male, or those male whose wife is no more because this male need some one and female also need some one. .

Male <---he can also marry again & same thing will also apply to him but his chances of getting single women is more. If he is rich and single women is not rich, most of family of single women thinks that it’s better to marry their daughter with this male because daughter will be more secure financially. As most of time woman have to live with man after marriage.

Immediate family will accept the fact of divorces if they are not able help their Childs by consulting them what else they can do?

Indian community don’t like divorce they always believe in happy married life so when such things occurs they think what happen is wrong. Even some time Court (Legal Court) say couple to stay 6 month together and try to adjust and if still things don’t work fine between them, than they both can take divorce.

The extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) all tries to consult with their child to adjust with their spouse but once divorce is taken all accept the fact.
Cjgal as per your question ==> If the arranged marriage fails, and they divorce, can their siblings (brothers and sisters) still have arranged marriages themselves?

Yes they can have arranged marriage that never means the responsibilities of parent towards child is over. But most of families are afraid to have alliance of their daughter or son with child of divorce parent. Because divorce is very rare in our society.

Cjgal you said ==> I once heard that if a girl divorces after having an arranged marriage, then her sister cannot have an arranged marriage.

No, it’s not like this her sister can have arrange marriage, But most of families are afraid to have alliance with such family they will like to know on what basis elder daughter has taken divorce that’s it. Every one likes to have alliance with good family. after all this is an arrange marriage.

See the below post also which is in continuation of this post..

sunilkumar

12-26-2005, 02:17 PM

Many India Family will also see Kundali (Horoscope, Astrology), they will try to match kundli of groom & and bride and if they don’t match still their marriage will not take place.

Cjgal I don’t have much knowledge regarding Indian astrology so will not be able to explain you regarding Kundali (Horoscope) etc. But I want to share my personal experience on issue of marriage

I am good eligible bachelor for many girls but my alliance is not taking coz I have elder sisters they are unmarried … they are much more elder to me they are single never married having their own life, those who initiate talk related to alliance with me they all like me ..from every where …:D but when I say I have my elder sister’s they are unmarried then they don’t want to have alliance with my family. But that never means arrange marriage is bad.

For me if I think personally love marriage will be better for me, but this is also the fact arrange marriage is far better if it is carried in proper way and if two families are sensible.

And this is also true I had my own choice I will not marry just for sake of society or for sex I had my own preference and if I will get gal as per my preference and if she will also like me I will marry other wise life is to big & there is many more thing other than marriage

You know good Indian Gal earning more than me or beautiful will not accept me as his life partner but if she is fat or if she had any problem she will accept me, his family is also going to accept me…:D

Now the trend has started in cosmopolitan Indian family which is like this… if boys and gals are in love then they say regarding this to their parent & then their love affair is converted into arrange marriage….:) , so what you think…. is it a love marriage or arrange marriage ? ultimately its all calculation even in love gal and boys both do calculation there is nothing like love marriage they don’t fall in love they see pros and cons and then they fall in love, … people are more smart :D ….

Its me Always Friend Sunilklumar

venky

12-26-2005, 10:32 PM

I happened to accidentally come across this web site today and the first thread I read is this one. I really appreciate you guys (Sunil and CJGirl) to pursue and understand marriage issue.
What made me post this message is Priyanka's message saying that she will be happy to know that her husband saved himself for her. I have certain observations about that opinion.
Im an indian guy living in US for the last 5 years. I had sexual relationship with another indian girl whom I wanted to marry but couldnt (we both agreed to part our ways, we are still friends). I did like her and had almost 2 years relation.
Will I be able to make my future wife happy? I will try my best. Infact I think my relation made me a better man in the sense that I understand women more than I used to. Treating a woman as best friend, closest to heart and working everyday towards the relation will make many couples stick together. There will be less children being orphaned or mis-treated.

I understand CJGirl's opinion that if a guy had many flings, but no strong intention to marry those girls, then it may: 1) indicate frequent straying or 2) the guy was just trying to satisfy his sexual urges and not interested in commitment.
But if the guy finds his love, he may become a changed man. Women do have the capability to change men for better.

CJgirl

12-27-2005, 12:00 AM

Thank you very much for the information.

And yet another question: How are Indian guys and girls viewed by Indian society, parents, extended family, their local Indian community etc., if they decide to have a love marriage, especially with a non-Indian? Are there any repercussions to the non-Indian person? How would the non-Indian person be treated in the Indian community? Extended family? Immediate family? Thanks.

CJgirl

12-27-2005, 12:21 AM

Venky, you said you could not marry her, do you mind me asking why? Are you expected to have an arranged marriage?

Deciding if it is important that your future spouse is a virgin (no prior sex) is a very personal and private decision and everyone has his or her own ideas on the subject. I do not think one idea is better or worse than the other. It's strictly a matter of opinion. I am a caucasian female that waited until marriage to have sex with my future huband, but I now look back and think, why? We were truly in love and were getting married. The only thing that gave us the OK to proceed sexually was a written document (marriage certificate). I do not believe in casual sex (sex just for the sake of having sex), but sex between two loving people, especially considering marriage, in my view is alright.

sunilkumar

12-27-2005, 10:02 AM

When any person of Indian family decide to marry any non-Indian person (i.e whose ancestor are not from India, Nepal, Srilanka, Bangladesh & Pakistan) than it become very difficult for family to digest this fact. Every one like to marry their Childs in their own culture and community & if their child is marrying some non-Indian than most of time they don’t throw them from their family or community but few community don’t accept inter-caste, inter-religion and international marriage

Note:- India is actually a united state of Republic India, all the state of India has it own culture, some community are very strict some are liberal in inter-caste, inter-religion and international marriage. But in metropolitans cites like Delhi, Mumbai this is not the case.

Societies in urban area are very strict in matter of international or inter-caste or inter-religion marriage, urban area is much more traditional.

Indian those who live in metropolitans cities & in country like UK USA, Australia etc. they marry for them international marriage, inter caste, inter-religion is not an issue.

And I personally believe that Indian Males can adopt western culture very easily but Non Indian Male has difficult to adopt Indian culture.

In India arrange marriage take place most of time, so difficulty always arises in marriage of child whose mother or father are non-Indian, or of different caste or of different religion..

Note: - I am saying this by considering whole India, not only metropolitan cities…:D of India because most of time people who have such discussion will only consider their cities

After marriage Non-Indian person is treated very well in Indian culture. But people in Indian family always had doubt that will this non-Indian person will adopt our culture properly, and if she is women then will she able to do sacrifice her ambition like Indian women for sake of family.

Note: - 90% Indian women sacrifice their ambition for sake of family. Most of people In India believe Man work is to earn and women work is to administrate his family by doing all sorts of house hold work. But in metropolitan where both husband and wife are earning then this thing should not be applicable but still few egoist male think that women should do all work of house.

Venky you said==>I am an indian guy living in US for the last 5 years. I had sexual relationship with another indian girl whom I wanted to marry but couldnt (we both agreed to part our ways, we are still friends). I did like her and had almost 2 years relation. Will I be able to make my future wife happy? I will try my best. Infact I think my relation made me a better man in the sense that I understand women more than I used to.

Venky I don’t agree with you if you think u better understand women then why your relation ship was broken after two year? Or You mean to say we have to always try relationship and after every broken relation man and women get more knowledge and they become more understanding …:D, you are trying to say that male should have relation with any gal with two year than they will understand female in more better way .... but as per me it is wrong.

Note :- Here I m telling you one real experience that what I had seen I have one friend , I don’t want to reveal his name on this forum. He is married man but now his marriage life is in verge of divorce probably in January court will call him and her wife on matter of divorce. My friend had one love affair before marriage he also had a sexual relation with his gal friend but things didn’t worked between him and his girl friend, when his affair was broken he said me same thing --> " now I can understand women much better. If this is the case then why his marriage is on verge of divorce? "

Once you enjoy sex fully for many days then you are not so curious about sex & we all know sex play an important part in married life, venky in two year relationship with your ex-gal friend you treated her just like your wife. My suggestion to you is that you should find some gal who had such long affair like you or who is divorcee coz you both will able to understand each other very well and you both will not do the same mistake that you did earlier. Venky you are staying in usa and I already said western culture is easy to adopt by Indian male.

Venky you said --> What made me post this message is Priyanka's message saying that she will be happy to know that her husband saved himself for her. I have certain observations about that opinion. Im an indian guy living in US for the last 5 years. I had sexual relationship with another indian girl

On this I want to say all male are not like you venky and all Indian girls are not like your ex-girl friend. It require courage, devotion, determination to save our self for someone with whom we will marry this is a feeling, which makes individual proud. But I know most of people those who had sex before marriage they think its just friction of skin which is done for pleasure they don’t understand the feeling of pride and feeling for saving one self for some purpose.

Cjgirl you said --> I am a caucasian female that waited until marriage to have sex with my future huband, but I now look back and think, why? We were truly in love and were getting married. The only thing that gave us the OK to proceed sexually was a written document (marriage certificate).

This is not the only thing, don’t tell lie to yourself, sex made your married life more happy. And if People would enjoy sex before marriage then nothing new is going to left in their marriage and their marriage become just a piece of a document (marriage certificate). Society will not accept child of parent those who are not married. We live in society we have to think regarding our future generation we don’t have to live for our self.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.----Judith Viorst

Thats it... but now this issue is more or less diverting toward sex, I will advice every one that post issue reated to sex on another section of this site or forum where question of premarital sex, extramarital affair etc. is asked.

Always Friend Sunilkumar

venky

12-27-2005, 04:01 PM

CJGirl
I couldnt marry her because she is catholic and im hindu. I fought with my family for almost a year. It finally came to a point where I had to either choose the girl and forget my family or the otherway round. I dont claim the decision I made is the right one or not. But both of us, me and my ex gf have decided together to part our ways.

Sunil
Understanding a woman is not sufficient to keep relation always. In my case there were other factors beyond the relation that broke it. I never said or implied that having a relationship is required to understand a woman better. I was quoting my specific case and its upto your intelligence to take what makes sense out of it.
One more thing: right or wrong are very relative terms.
You said On this I want to say all male are not like you venky and all Indian girls are not like your ex-girl friend. It require courage, devotion, determination to save our self for someone with whom we will marry this is a feeling, which makes individual proud. But I know most of people those who had sex before marriage they think its just fiction of skin which is done for pleasure they don’t understand the feeling of pride and feeling for saving one self for some purpose.
As per your definition of being a proud man who saved himself, yes I was a proud man till 28 years age, saving myself :p I used to think like you in those days.
I came across a great woman, fell in love and shared myself with her. We were not waiting for society's approval either for our sex. If you are talking about the people who think sex is a friction of skin, Im not one of them. I do believe love makes sex great. I dont believe in casual sex.

sunilkumar

12-28-2005, 08:05 AM

Venky I don’t mean to hurt you, so pls don’t take it in negative sense, because what you are going to read now may hurt you, or you may think that I am attacking you…. But this is not the case…

Venky you said ==> I couldnt marry her because she is catholic and im hindu. I fought with my family for almost a year. It finally came to a point where I had to either choose the girl and forget my family or the otherway round. I dont claim the decision I made is the right one or not. But both of us, me and my ex gf have decided together to part our ways.

On this I will say that the decision you made was wrong because when two person are in love with each other, than how anyone of them can take their step back from their relationship. In your case, Initially you never released that the gal to whom you are loving is catholic and you are hindu, you never tried to control yourself at that time but after 2 yr or relationship like husband and wife …. You realized that you are hindu and she is catholic.

Venky you said ==> I was a proud man till 28 years age, saving myself I used to think like you(i.e sunilkumar) in those days. I(i.e venky) came across a great woman, fell in love and shared myself with her. We were not waiting for society's approval either for our sex.

On this I want to say, u came across a great woman, fell in love and shared yourself with her. You both were not waiting for society's approval either for your sex…:D so when it comes to marriage you were waiting for the approval of society… so stop hypocrisy.. you also said before 28 year you were proud man like me and were thinking like me and now after meeting great women you changed your views and thinking, and women was such a great that after two year of relationship with her you had broken that relation by saying society, family. Culture, community etc will not accept your relation. …

Below is link were you can talk on sex, virginity etc. so if you want to talk on such issue than please post your view there, not on this thread of forum because here the topic is something else not sex....

http://www.indiabook.com/bbs/showthread.php?p=3463#post3463

Thats it ...

Always Friend Sunilkumar

Priyanka

12-28-2005, 09:59 AM

sunilkumar thanks for saying my words.... my & your thought are similar on most of issue on this forum ....only difference is in our status :) i belong to Upper middle class family and you from Middle class..... so status of family also play big role in arrange mariage .... :)...

venky

12-29-2005, 01:37 AM

Sunil,
I dont take your words seriously, so dont worry.
I always knew and realised that me and her belong to different religions. She was always aware of the fight we had to go for. Please stop making assumptions and judging others decisions. If you have doubts, please ask questions instead.

Another thing: the marriage we were going for was one where we wanted to be one and make others important to us happy. If it is your opinion that sex and love should happen only after marriage, then I respect it. I dont necessarily agree with many of your views.

Last: The only way we can go back to the original topic of this thread is if you can stop referring and judging what I wrote. I wrote what I wrote because I wanted to share it with people, not necessarily to listen to their judgements. It depends on one's intelligence to take whatever makes sense out of what I wrote.

CJgirl

12-29-2005, 02:23 AM

Priyanka

12-29-2005, 10:13 AM

Hey Venky ….sunilkumar was not giving judgment on your opinion he had shown you mirror, now you are staying in USA there you don’t have to follow Indian law and culture, so your opinion is restricted to the land were you are staying right now, VENKY it requires guts to marry to whom you love if he/she is not of your caste or religion….. I think you don’t have guts to do that ………. there was one link on this forum related to sex you can put your opinion there ….
http://www.indiabook.com/bbs/showth...p=3463#post3463

cjgal --> You were interested in pros and cons of arrange marriage, Now now I feel you are trying to provoke Indian to Live in live-in relationship by supporting Venky… were boy will enjoy with gal and when she will be pregnant they will live her…. & after that society will have orphan child or bastard child…… Venky has different opinion earlier in his life (i.e before he attain 28 yr), Most of Indian male like venky who had enjoyed sex earlier will not going to marry gal who did sex with his x-boyfriend or some other male… Person like Venky will never going to marry any divorcee or widow to set an example in society.

I don’t know about USA, but some western country has legalized marriage of Gay and Lesbian but India has not legalized. As per the Christianity marriage is done for family and two people having same sex cannot form family, so such alliance is not consider as marriage, <== this was the statement given by the father of church on NDTV.

Cjgal its not matter of respecting anyone individual opinion but the person those who are giving opinion are hypo crates, there opinion should not be respected.

In India few Actor and Actress even renowned Indian International sports personality will going to give statement in favour of premarital sex, they will show that they are using drugs etc. they will do all such things Just to get the name and popularity for themselves, they never realize that they are icon of coming generation most of children of their nation are trying to be like them but they don’t understand this fact they are bloody self centered. We give them respect we put them on top and they think for themselves not for society and their culture. In India Actress and Actor don’t have brain and when people without brain are given respect they don’t know how to handle it.

Why Actor and Actress take divorce from their partner…? They are not able to handle one relationship and giving their opinion on relationship, about premarital sex …. They don’t know how to cope with one individual and to understand them how they can understand the feeling of nation.

lovey dovey

12-29-2005, 10:21 PM

Grt thread guys.... specially sunil, CJgirl, Venky and Priyanka ...
I m a new memmber to this forum ... nd let me tell u why did i joined this forum bcuz i had few unanswered questions in my mind nd i wanted an answer to them ....
Well sunil one thing i shd tell u .... u really can be a writer some day ... i mean u really hve the stamina to write such long threads nd belive me man they are so explanatory .... bravo ....!!!!! ...
I read all the posting in this thread today ... all from the point one till the last one that priyanka had posted ... nd i dully agree with venky tht this is the place to express yer ideas and views and not to contradict others ....
To begine with i had 2 affairs in past .... dont judge me guys ... they were pretty healthy ;) (NO HANKy --- PANKY) ... the first one was not a success as the gal cldnt decide due to some sudden change in her family's decision ... well tht one lasted for four years ... well after that i met this gal ... fall in love ... nd this time i was pretty serious tht i m gonna ring the bells ... made her meet my family ..they were not that happy at first go, but anyway accepted her ... now guys i m a open book ===> i mean i never hide anything ... i told her everything abt my past. That means my last gf and also that i knew where to draw the line (sex)... neway i asked her did she had an affair ...she said nope .... i said ever had sex... she said nope ... well i was a happy guy ... ;) ... u knw wht i mean PRIYANKA neway i dont knw how but some how her activities made me feel as if their was someone and she aint wht she says me to be .. so one fine day i started to grill her (probe)... so finally she said yea i had a bf and yea we had sex .... nd frm wht she said, I got was that sex tht they had was not love but merely physicall satisfaction ...
here sunil i will dully agree with u that, tht very point i lost the respect for her which i had earlier in my mind ...Myself i m in a profession where sex is not a big deal and then still when being a guy i can hold myself to that .. i really wonder why gals cant ... nd to this date we do still talk ... but only on phone and tht too just as a frz
I think these are yer words (Sunil) .... they say that we cribb bcuz we didnt had enough opportunity ... while to hold once virginity is pure dignity ...
thank u all ... :D if u hve not gone to sleep by now :D
urs =====> rick

sunilkumar

12-30-2005, 09:11 AM

lovey dovey <== I am single staying alone no-one to talk or discuss anything, parents and sibling are living in different part of India even in 2-days of holiday i cannot reach there by train........ earlier I used to do lot of chatting in chat rooms but now nothing new there, all comes in chat room for boyfriend and girlfriend, but for me friendship happens we don't have to do it ... Forum is nice to express our views and thought, I work in IT sector & my English should be good because client are generally USA, UK, Australia etc. based, so English is the only medium of communication, putting my view on this forum in English I can improve my English, Note my mother tongue is not English.
Only good thinker and person having command on language can be nice Writer of that specify language , you believe that I can be a good writer ..:) May be some day down the line I will like to write my Autobiography.
Yea I do have lot of stamina can run 15 km without stopping :) & In my past I have done that...:D
Ricks I generally sleep at 4 O'clock in morning and I always wakeup at 11’O clock in morning (i.e. having total 7-8 hr of sleep) but at very odd time ..:D

Rick What you say about Priyanka can she be writer?

lovey dovey <== you missed the word of PlayBoy on this issue whose post was deleted by site administrator before you read, that was really mindblowing but i have read. yea signature of PlayBoy is not nice so his post was deleted.

venky

12-30-2005, 09:32 PM

Lovey Dovey, I agree with you that Sunil is patient in writing those long answers. He also gathers stuff from different sources to quote here.
Sunil, if you like, please hone your writing skills.

Such forums are good where people open up and discuss issues.

Priyanka, all I can say for you is that your last post about me reflects ignorance, jumping to judgements, making assumptions. Allow me to elaborate.

You dont have much idea of who Iam, so your statement that I dont have guts to marry a girl seems to be out of ignorance. It takes lot of hardship, pain in going through fights where persons in love and persons who love these are constantly torn.

Making a woman pregnant and leaving her was never a possibility in my case. You have made generalisation on that. A love relation like this carries responsibility of not getting pregnant, of not hurting each other etc. Both of us are educated, working individuals who understand things that dont do good to us. We certainly dont consider ourselves as escapists.

Another assumption you made about me coupled with your generalisation that "most of indian male like venky.. will not going to marry gal who did sex earlier.." doesnt serve much purpose either. If I love a girl and she tells me that she had sex with somebody else before, I would accept that. I did that once already.

I value we both loving each other and not straying outside as long as we are in relationship. Once the relation is over its individual choice. We still care about each other and hope the person is safe.

If the girl I love is a widow or divorcee, her prior sexual activity doesnt matter, and love between her and me matters. Im not trying to set any examples to society here, I will try to do what makes our lives happier. I believe the strongest foundation for a marriage is love.

Seriously, on what basis you claim we are hypocrites? What makes you judge us like that? Is it based on your assumptions about us? Ask questions girl, find out what you dont know. Its easy to jump to assumptions. You know what, it takes real guts to pursue truth. Satyanveshi (A person who searches for truth) is expected to have openmindedness, be inquisitive, reflective, understanding. I got this word from Gandhi's "My experiments with Truth".

Priyanka, I respect and understand your opinions and the society where you live. If you want to understand the other side, an open mind will help.

I see many indians denying, denouncing western culture and making uninformed generalizations, but taking best of eastern and western cultures with an open mind will help a person like me living outside a lot. Indians in india may choose to go anyway that serves them well.

Im still hopeful to continue the discussion with you all guys to understand these issues.

My only request is that please stop making personal attacks, or justify what you say with generalizations etc because they are simply not going to cut it. One has to understand the message, and shouldnt kill the messenger.

venky

12-30-2005, 09:46 PM

In marriage, love and growing together are very important. If one equates most of the value of marriage with sex alone, they will have surprises. I agree with CJGirl that sexual drive tapers off, and what we gotta look for in a marriage is lot more than that. Some traditionally married men who are my friends told me that there is no big deal with sex after marriage, and there are so many others things to work upon.

Here is what I predict for India in the context of this topic: Indian culture and values will continue to change: Sexual freedom, women empowerment, greater significance being attached to love than sex, respecting and understanding gay and lesbian preferences, accepting people with different sexual orientations as regular humans, increase in number of love marriages compared to arranged marriages, increase in number of divorces etc.

Priyanka

01-02-2006, 10:27 AM

As per venky, he is still hopeful to continue the discussion with all guys and girls to understand these issues of premarital sex…

So below are some things more by me on this issue…

Venky said ==> You dont have much idea of who Iam, so your statement that I dont have guts to marry a girl seems to be out of ignorance.

On this I will say Whosoever you may be but on this forum you are one individual and as per your past relation whatever you had said on this thread of forum only show that you are shouting in favour of love, but don’t have guts to marry your love.

Venky said ==> Making a woman pregnant and leaving her was never a possibility in my case. You have made generalisation on that. A love relation like this carries responsibility of not getting pregnant.

I think you mean to say fall in love have a sex than don’t marry to your love make society and your culture responsible for it.

Venky suppose if your x-gal friend get pregnent by you at that time what you would have done.. marriage or abortion or just like what you have done now..?

Venky said ==> Another assumption you made about me coupled with your generalisation that "most of indian male like venky.. will not going to marry gal who did sex earlier.." doesnt serve much purpose either.

First of all it make lot of purpose so don’t try to escape from the reality you already said before 28 yr you never had sex with any gal for your information most of Indian male do marry in age of 21-29 they all have thinking that you had in your past (i.e. before your 28 yrs) in matter of sex & marriage.

Venky said ==> If I love a girl and she tells me that she had sex with somebody else before, I would accept that. I did that once already.

For above statement that you made I will say you already did once …

Venky you said ==> If the girl I love is a widow or divorcee, her prior sexual activity doesnt matter, and love between her and me matters. Im not trying to set any examples to society here, I will try to do what makes our lives happier.

For your above statement I think you are least bothered about society and your surrounding you are self centered, you will do things which will make you happy. First of all how you will fall in love with any widow & divorcee, when you are doing arrange marriage at that time will you going to consider widow and divorcee? Its easy to say no wrong in premarital sex but when male want to fall in love they will search gal those who are not divorcee or widow.

Venky you said ==> Seriously, on what basis you claim we are hypocrites?

For this I will say first you better see dictionary meaning of hypocrites..

Venky You also said something on openmindness

For this I want to say openmindness never mean to open your cloth against any one,or to have sex before marriage we believe we have some responsibility for someone to whom we are going to marry and expect same responsibility from them, yea I am broadminded but that never mean to have sex before marriage got it.

Venky you said ==> I got this word from Gandhi's "My experiments with Truth".

Please note, Gandhiji also said jesa desh vesa bhesh (i.e. you have to change accordingly as per society and culture in which you are going to stay) so for me what you did in USA is according to their culture but your opinion on premarital sex doesn’t suit to Indian culture & society.

Venky said ==> Priyanka, I respect and understand your opinions and the society where you live

For this I will say you don’t have any other choice other than respecting my culture, society and opinion on premarital sex. Just unnecessarily extenting the issue like rubber doesn’t going to solve any purpose. I am Indian and I believe I have some moral responsibility towards society in which I leave so my view or opinions are generalized.

Everybody know in marriage love is important. But sex also play vital role in married person life that may me marital premarital or extramarital sex.

PlayBoy said ==> I can see my future is bright. I know person those who favour premarital sex will have no objection if their daughter sister will do sex before marriage just for sake of getting experience… technical experience of sex...... am good enough to seduce gal … who cares to marry them….

Any one those who are supporting premarital sex has to say on above mention view….of play boy

venky

01-03-2006, 01:41 AM

Priyanka,
Your statements in the last post seem to be very judgemental based on many assumptions throughout. Let me respond.

I think you mean to say fall in love have a sex than don’t marry to your love make society and your culture responsible for it.
Oh boy, that was another assumption. I didnt blame society or culture. If you are really interested, please go back and refer to all I posted and point out to me where I blamed society or culture for whatever happened with me. Me and her being from different religions is just a fact, just like the fact that we both are from India. I didnt blame 'the facts'.

Venky suppose if your x-gal friend get pregnent by you at that time what you would have done.. marriage or abortion or just like what you have done now..?
In pregnency happened, I would have discussed with my gf to see the best course of action. Certainly she will not be left as single mom.

First of all it make lot of purpose so don’t try to escape from the reality you already said before 28 yr you never had sex with any gal for your information most of Indian male do marry in age of 21-29 they all have thinking that you had in your past (i.e. before your 28 yrs) in matter of sex & marriage.
I never had sex in the first 28 years because I didnt love anybody before that. I dont believe in casual sex. A guy with 26 years in bangalore would have faced a similar situation like mine. Evolution in thinking can come at that age.

Venky said ==> If I love a girl and she tells me that she had sex with somebody else before, I would accept that. I did that once already.
For above statement that you made I will say you already did once …
I meant that I accepted a girl knowing that she had sex before.

For your above statement I think you are least bothered about society and your surrounding you are self centered, you will do things which will make you happy. First of all how you will fall in love with any widow & divorcee, when you are doing arrange marriage at that time will you going to consider widow and divorcee? Its easy to say no wrong in premarital sex but when male want to fall in love they will search gal those who are not divorcee or widow.
Did you make another assumption here that I would be going for arranged marriage? and tons of other assumptions like 'least bothered about society, ... self centered.. ' etc?
I will go for a marriage where I will get a chance to know about the girl a lot. A lot more than a typical arranged marriage can give these days.
I will not be justifying or giving any examples about whether Im concerned about society or surroundings - for any baseless assumptions here.

For this I will say first you better see dictionary meaning of hypocrites..
Priyanka, meaning of hypocrites is obvious for most of us. I just wonder at people like you who call others as hypocrites very easily. No offense meant, but I see that as a sign of immaturity.

For this I want to say openmindness never mean to open your cloth against any one,or to have sex before marriage we believe we have some responsibility for someone to whom we are going to marry and expect same responsibility from them, yea I am broadminded but that never mean to have sex before marriage got it.
Openmindedness and sex are two different aspects. You may choose to correlate them. I didnt.

Please note, Gandhiji also said jesa desh vesa bhesh (i.e. you have to change accordingly as per society and culture in which you are going to stay) so for me what you did in USA is according to their culture but your opinion on premarital sex doesn’t suit to Indian culture & society.
There are parts in india like metros where some sections of the society are changing and becoming more westernized. I dont mean to say that these sections represent India as a whole, but the change is spreading in the society. When traditional values and points of view do not evolve in response to such influences, there will be backlashes or misconnects. One doesnt need to sit and wait for the backlashes, one can go ahead and analyze, understand and embrace what is good. Culture & society need to evolve for new circumstances.

Venky said ==> Priyanka, I respect and understand your opinions and the society where you live

For this I will say you don’t have any other choice other than respecting my culture, society and opinion on premarital sex. Just unnecessarily extenting the issue like rubber doesn’t going to solve any purpose. I am Indian and I believe I have some moral responsibility towards society in which I leave so my view or opinions are generalized.

Oh boy, respecting other point of views takes openmindedness I was talking about. Your response above to my statement is for everybody to notice.
I dont want to add anything to that :)

PlayBoy said ==> I can see my future is bright. I know person those who favour premarital sex will have no objection if their daughter sister will do sex before marriage just for sake of getting experience… technical experience of sex...... am good enough to seduce gal … who cares to marry them….

Any one those who are supporting premarital sex has to say on above mention view….of play boy

I dont agree with what Playboy said above. For me sex is connected with love.

Priyanka, infact as much as I try to be balanced in this discussion, when people write whatever they please without proper justification, accuse or pass judgements about others based on assumptions, or make generalizations to support their arguments etc, I see that as a waste of my time to go through such responses.

I dont come here to pass uninformed judgements on others based on assumptions or to 'teach' them my beliefs. I come here to discuss with people, learn from them, tell them about my experiences, try to find answers to questions etc. All of us are adults - capable of healthy discussions.

CJgirl

01-03-2006, 11:32 PM

Venky- I admire your courage to stand up for what you believe in, and you have my respect. I have watched from the outside, almost identical stories as yours, and sometimes the results are heartbreaking. I very much agree with you that in order to have sex, it needs to be connected to love, and I am sure that most people, regardless of culture, agree with this. Otherwise, what separates us from other animals? I was also interested in you comment about not having an arranged marriage. Please tell me if I am wrong, but aren't Indian children from birth taught that this is what is expected of them, no questions asked? I guess I can understand how this would be alright for some people, but what I can not understand (and maybe someone will explain this further) is how you can be expected to marry someone you barely know. Yes, you have info about them prior to the arranged meeting etc., but you do not *really* know them (like spending alot of time together, living together etc.). Someone once tried to explain it to me as- the couples are matched as close as possible (on paper and one or two brief meetings), married, and just hopefully, adapt to each other and possibly fall in love. What are your feelings on this? Was/is this especially hard for you to do after experiencing a love relationship? Do you mind me asking you briefly, what is your backround and what do you do now?

venky

01-04-2006, 03:02 AM

Thank you CJGirl.

Yes, arranged marriage is something that is typically expected of us. But there are lot of love marriages happening as well. I dont know the stats, but there are probably around 10-20% love marriages happening overall these days.

Yes, you have info about them prior to the arranged meeting etc., but you do not *really* know them (like spending alot of time together, living together etc.). Someone once tried to explain it to me as- the couples are matched as close as possible (on paper and one or two brief meetings), married, and just hopefully, adapt to each other and possibly fall in love. What are your feelings on this? Was/is this especially hard for you to do after experiencing a love relationship? Do you mind me asking you briefly, what is your backround and what do you do now?

I dont think I can 'know' a girl enough in say few hours/days of face to face meetings with her. Many of us may tend to put our best 'face' forward (especially when we want to get the other person). How dangerous it is if one cant be honest and straight forward when making a big decision like choosing somebody else as their life time companion?

I dont believe in astrology, institutionalized religion and Im agnostic to god. Hence things like horoscope matching, numerology etc that are typically asked for in traditional marriages are not my cup of tea. There are differences in what is looked for in marriages between north and south india, but certain themes are common.

Elders typically may look out for other stuff like families compatibility (rich/poor/middleclass differences, educational differences), if the girl is beautiful, educated, fair enough (oh yeah, we do also descriminate based on skin color), if the girl is of the same 'caste', in some cases if the girl's side can give 'enough' dowry (money/property thats given by bride's family to bridegroom's family), if the girl seem to respect elders, if she can cook, has any preference for arts like music, dance, painting etc.. so on and so forth.

Most of the stuff elders look out for is 'fact' based and doesnt guarantee anything beyond what these things can offer. Judging somebody's behavior, nature, personality etc are left to people who care about these. Say for example, the girl has to be a very sharp in observation, or a psychologist to under about the guy before saying yes after few hours/days of meeting.

What I stated above are typical scenarios, there are always some specifics that vary.

Many of indian marriages may not result in divorces due to different factors 1)some couples do really love each other after marriage 2)family, society put pressure on couple to stick together (this can work for bad/good) 3) girl is not empowered enough to walkout from an incompatible marriage 4) having kids may prevent a couple (especially women) from walking away. so on. 5) men/women make sacrifices to stay in the marriage for whatever reason other than love. 6) other possibilities.

Dont get me wrong. It is possible that a man and woman can fall in love after being married in a traditional way. It just depends on the two people in question.

I guess Im still recovering from my last episode. As of know I wish my ex to be happy wherever she is. Im not going for marriage any soon. Im an engineer by education and software engineer by profession. Im interested in higher studies, research and innovation.

Niku

01-05-2006, 01:02 PM

First of all, this is a forum discussion on marriage, I'll agree. But the topic of sex before marriage in the context we are addressing here is very appropriate to this forum in my opinion. We are discussing *premarital* sex and it's impact, or lack of, on a marriage or future marriage, and I do not see anything wrong with it's discussion on this forum.

I hope this quote will be helping you all to discuss the matter in the right context. Here we are concern about * premarital sex * and it’s after effects on married life.

And if we have started the topic to discuss in the light of INDIAN concept than we should not exceed the boundaries and we must keep Indian Culture into our mind and try to relate the present scenarios with the Topic.

I am an educated and well settled person; but, my views are against premarital sex, because not only our Indian culture allow these kind of Act, also it heart your whole life if you fails to get your sex partner as your life partner after the Act.

Let me explain in my words, as an Indian what I feel about the stated topic:-

Before proceedings, I would like to mention some of the reasons, why that premarital sex generally happen, the reason can be one or more of the following

* Timely physical attraction towards opposite sex,
* If you are emotionally attracted by somebody and intensely grabbed by an ultra-active mind who is sex-sick.
* If you blindly follow a person due to your need or emotional attachment
* Sexual harassment (in family or out side family), there may be many more reasons.

“Premarital Sex” can affect anybody- Emotionally and Physically

Psychologically/ Emotionally: Emotions are generally playing a vital role in our Life and Acts. You Act - If you are ready psychologically or if somebody able to cultivate your emotional feeling. But, these emotions will be a cause off your decay if you realize any act as your Sin/mistake or feel guilty about the same. At this moment you cannot move forward with the life and generally these feeling cause ends of life.

Physically:- if you are not much mature about to understand at the time that -what you are doing, you can get physically injured. That happens when you got indulge without intention, mutual understanding or a lack of Knowledge about Sex. It can be a cause to destroy your happiness and also life (as you can get AIDS).

"After marriage effects:" After marriage Sex became a part of daily life of the couple. All the process is going to happen again and again; at this moment one cannot stop him/her to compare the situations. Many times when we compare the situations we feel guilty about our past act and then it will be hard to adjust with the situation. Here you will not suffer alone; your spouse and your family life will be suffering one or other way.

Also, if you caused any injury or decease due to your premarital sex you will not be able to enjoy your Marital Sex life and it will become a node in your throat and most of the time one does not find anyone to share his/her feel and this feeling will cause a mental disorder. Un-satisfaction leads to frustration and decay of your married life.

And everybody wants to have A Happy Married life.

I am not saying that this is the only factor to have a happy married life, but, it is also true that Marriage is a holy relation between two, a social commitment, which cannot be completed without mutual understanding, love and co-operation.

Premarital Sex always interfere as Past in your present/future married life and one cannot underestimate its ill-effects psychologically/ emotionally and some time physically too.

So, it is better to maintain a distance between the relations to enjoy every phase of your life with charm and self-respect. Because we cannot correct our past, if we realize the mistake in future.

Playboy2

01-05-2006, 02:15 PM

megirsoft.... people those who are staying in usa know about Indian culture.... and they want to change the Indian society ..as per their thought, You should not be baised megrisoft because I had put some question earlier on this issue and you had deleted that post.... Your Forum was acting biased like some TV channel & News paper ...

Its unnecessary to remove my post of deactivating my account, I can create many unnecessary account......you can post your reply below my reply and you can clarify the situation or what wrong i was doing ......I know what I say is some thing which your society had not seen , so when someone is giving his/her opinion on premarital sex I also said my view on issue of sex… even I belong to India, and I am not alone there are many like me, the forum must be neutral… and what ever I say is true & I am not hurting anyone but people think that its bad behavior … one post was what is love I said love is a business ? … only you people had asked me how it is a business …. And when I had justified my statement u all think it is cheap…. I want people to see true India, I was orphan because of pre-marital sex that my parent did…. My mom never married and dad left my mom for sake of his family. I was thrown into orphanage… & there also lot of exploitation.

I am sorry to say issue on marriage is now something else, earlier it was on marrige .. now its on one issue sex ... and it is on premarital sex Most of Indian will say venky thinking is not Indian thinking, they will say he is very modern in his thought & now don’t believe in Indian culture... but I personally believe he have to do lot of sacrifice for happiness of his parents so he was not able to marry her x-gal friend ...venky sorry for saying something on this forum on your personal matter but never mean to hurt you... but he did one good thing before breaking his affair … that is venky don’t have any child from his x-girl friend.

In Indian culture people don't do sex before marriage they may be of any caste or religion... but few people those who do sex before marrige they think it is not a big issue, technically nothing new is left & they also come to know what sex is…like me ...

I am playboy .. I know lot of gal and unsatisfied women they pay me ..... Some women’s are married and some are unmarried. And when I say why you want to have sex with me am I hot? .... then most of them say sex is our requirement, or I just want to be sexually satisfied, or having sex with you is safe because we pay you. They also say we don't want to be pregnant by you, Its is our physical requirement... that's it, few say our boyfriend and husband are very busy in their life And when i say better leave your boyfriend and husband ... they say are you crazy we are financially more secure with them, so this are the few things and fact but which is very less in Indian society... I also came across one female who came to me 1 day before her marriage she said i never had a sex with any one I just want to get an experience....

As per my experience I believe sex is sex even government gives license to prostitute for prostitution. I say sex is a business, It is not a premarital, marital or extra marital sex.. Sex is sex and it is a highly paid business customer and client both are satisfied .., Sex is requirement and need of human being and those who don’t get they can buy it.

And when I said below written things smart people understand what I mean

"It’s good to see media and few well know personality favoring premarital sex… my business can grow now… because if some gal will come to me for sex before her marriage and if her family comes to know then she can tell her parent ..why you all are shouting on me, I don’t have a boyfriend I just want experience of sex… now I had a experience of sex so now I will not going to call play boy technically she will know and understand pleasure of sex…. ..I can see my future is bright. I know person those who favour premarital sex will have no objection if their daughter sister will do sex before marriage just for sake of getting experience… technical experience of sex...... for me Nothing new in it…. "

Indian people should understand if gal or boys do sex before marriage than there is nothing wrong, they can concentrate on their work because they are sexually satisfied... sex is one type of food... but if child do premarital sex that never means he/she should be killed yea morally he did wrong as per culture and society, & in some western society pre-marital sex has no importance, but to promot a pre-marital sex is foolishness & dont forget what Niku had said above...

And when priyanka asked venky what to say on this word of Mine which are below
“I can see my future is bright. I know person those who favour premarital sex will have no objection if their daughter sister will do sex before marriage just for sake of getting experience… technical experience of sex...... am good enough to seduce gal … who cares to marry them….”

Venky said==>I dont agree with what Playboy said above. For me sex is connected with love.

I am saying for me love is connected to sex… this is true and every one know what ever may be your opinion but internally in your heart you all know love is connect to sex.

Yea I agree love of Parents and child, are not connect for sex .

But love of two people those who don’t have any blood relation those who can form family are connect to sex, we all know there are lesbian and gay in society this all relationship are based on sex...Its my view.

People say love at first site … At first site we only see physical appearance so it is also related to sex only, physical attraction is natural.

I also said dark side of society in matter of sex and love (note:- you don’t deny this fact also) like which is morally not correct and which is very less like sexual relationship between gal and his uncle, boy and his aunty, even gal and father, boy and wife of his brother, girl and husband of her sister … These are relationships which are wrong because we are cultured and social animal… Is such type of sexual relationship is connect with love? So sex is sex it is not connect to love only, so venky opinion sex is connected to love is his personal opinion.

I said If any girl want to be film actress than she must be ready to have pre-marital sex .... well you can see in name of Cast-couching what is going on .. e.g. preety jain, annara gupta...many more behind the screen.. this all are in news...

When I say below written thing smart people understand what I mean,

I am good enough to seduce gal … :D who cares to marry them….
Think on this...Will Any girl from cultured family, like to have pre-marital sex when guy is not going to marry her she may be western or indian?
After all I am a PlayBoy

I hope my this post is not against society or indian culture or any individual or this forum.... i had just shown you few fact, now think on your opinion of pre-marital sex .. because If our constitution had given us right to say something than at the same time we have to do some duites for our nation (i.e society and culture) which contain both legal and moral... so only shouting for right is not going to solve any problem ...we have to follow our duites also ....and to stick with an opinion or just to give opinon to be in media which harms sentiment and culture of country is not sensible... Please don't forget the Duites that we all have to do for Our Nation, People those who give their opinion without thinking are not sensible, opinion must have some solid reason behind it to support, so duties for individual in democracy also include not to lead people by wrong opinions which affect the society and sentiment of people.

Priyanka

01-06-2006, 05:51 PM

Few things I want to make clear...

Meaning of hypocrisy
-->The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
-->An act or instance of such falseness.

Meaning of hypocrite
-->A person given to hypocrisy

Meaning of virtue
-->Moral excellence and righteousness; goodness.
An example or kind of moral excellence: the virtue of patience.

Meaning of Broad-minded
-->Having or characterized by tolerant or liberal views.

And i Already said "openmindness never mean to open your cloth against any one,or to have sex before marriage we believe we have some responsibility for someone to whom we are going to marry and expect same responsibility from them, yea I am broadminded but that never mean to have sex before marriage"

Maturity Never means to accept the things which you believes and you know is wrong ;)

People should Know the Autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi & then they should talk on them, In that Gandhiji has said that he also got an opportunity to have sex with white female when he was abroad but when he was with gal near the door of bed room of girl, at that time he suddenly realized the word of his mother not to do any thing immoral so he left that lady alone in that room and went to his own room....

This was my Question
Venky suppose if your x-gal friend get pregnent by you at that time what you would have done.. marriage or abortion or just like what you have done now..?

Venky Reply
In pregnency happened, I would have discussed with my gf to see the best course of action. Certainly she will not be left as single mom.

It was Nice to know that venky will not leave his girl friend as single mom.

I don’t admire the courage to stick with an opinion or just to give opinion to be in media which harms sentiment and culture of country.

From childhood we are not taught to do arrange marriage, From childhood we see our surrounding and we know that how arrange marriage is been carried out in our culture.

People staying in western country are not able to understand how we can be expected to marry someone we barely know? Because in our culture we don't stay in live-in relationship before marriage, & they stay in live-in relationship i.e. they give one try to live to-gather.

In Indian culture we don’t give try we have to live together & we know that is our destiny. So after marriage we sort out the entire problem together to carry our life. & slowly and gradually couple gets adjusted with each other. . Most of people in India do arrange marriage, only now in Metro cites 10-15 %people go for love marriage & most of time that are also been arrange by parents.

Ancestor of most of Indian has done arrange marriage that marriage were quit successful, In India most of time love marriage are unsuccessful, because things gets tricky female expect same thing from male that he use to do before marriage and male think that now she is her wife, where she can go now?

A gal and boy can fall in love they may be of any caste, religion so when it comes to marriage they take their steps back because of this difference. So to fall in love is easy but to give name to their love affair relation as husband & wife...and than to carry that relationship further like husband and wife is difficult.

In Love marriage and arrange marriage couple fights are same ..:D

Most of Indian says once you are married than you automatically fall in love with your spouse, if you don’t have any affair outside & which is true.

We Indian female trust our parent more, we believe what our parents do for us is good & most of time they are correct. So we go for arrange marriage. Parents are someone with whom we stay till we are not married we don’t stay with boyfriend who can ditch us and leave us as single mom, we believe in family values.

One thing more I want to say people with same culture, same thinking are good to stay together and in arrange marriage most of time both gal and boy belong to same culture, community and having same family values.

In arrange marriage looks does matter allot, but in love marriage also girl and boy fall in love their also looks comes into picture. And sunilkumar had already said how arrange marriage is done in good family in India.

I will say Most of Indian marriages may not result in divorces
1) Because most of Indian couples love each other after marriage.
2) If things go wrong family helps both couple to make adjustment.
3) Yea some time girl (generally)/boy is not empowered enough to walkout from marriage
4) Having kids may prevent a couple to take divorce
5) men/women makes sacrifices to stay in the marriage
6) Even If male will have Extra marital affair with any female he will not try to marry her and he will not give position of wife to that female, just because of society and family.
7) Other possibilities.

Most of Indian women thinking is like me ==>if i knew my husband hadnt doen sex with anyone else, i know i will be happy, and honured to have him!!!

sunilkumar

01-06-2006, 09:35 PM

I will like to put few things on premarital sex, I had asked many people about their belief on premarital sex, is it wrong or right.

[1] Vikas Seth Software Engineer working in pune, he said we internally know pre-marital sex is not correct but if two people are ready to have sex then whats wrong in it, he also said even if my daughter will have pre-marital sex what I can do, she will just going to say me what wrong I was doing? But he said every thing has its own time so to favour pre-marital sex is not correct.

[2] Sandeep Singh student of Software engineering lucknow, well nothing wrong in pre marital sex, if I m excited and if I get opportunity than I will do. He added that if my daughter will have pre-marital sex then she will not going to say me ..:D. But he also added I will prefer wife who had never done sex before.

[3] Sunil Triphati software engineer working in Delhi he said I had done sex and I am unmarried but it is unfair, he said to support in favour premarital sex is foolishness because pre-marital sex is not advisable.

[4] ketan Maheshwari software professional he is Indian right now in nitherland who did love marriage which was arranged by family, he was in affair with his wife from 7 year he never had a sex with his wife before marriage. He said nothing wrong in premarital sex, if and only if both the party are going to marry he also added we say we love if we love than wait for correct time. So to support premarital sex with some one with whom you are not going to marry is not correct.

[5] Vikas Ojha software engineer from delhi said I never had a sex with any girl if I can wait till my marriage, girl can also wait. So I m not in a favour of pre-marital sex.

[6] Rajat Modey software professional working in PCS right now in USA he did arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[7] Sachin Shah software professional working in PCS right now in USA he did Love marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[8] Vyoma Vyas software professional in USA he did Love marriage which was arrange by family he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[9] Shreekala software professional in Banglore working in HP she did Love marriage which was arrange by family she is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[10] Tanmaya Anand System Adminstrator working in Delhi he is single & he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[11] Diljit Software engineer working in USA recently got married he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[12] Manoj Kurmi is Software engineer working in USA he did arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[13] Ashish Yagnik Software professional working in Pune he did love marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[14] Neelmani shukala software professional working in Delhi single he is not in favour of premarital sex.

[15] Nepal shah (Rahul) Working in Cyber café in kolkatta is not in favour of Premarital sex.

[16] Samir student studying in Delhi , planning to go abroad in UK is not in favour of premarital sex.

[17] Kuldeep Working in Account department in Jodo host in delhi is not in favour of premarital sex.

[18] Ravi Agarwal working in sale and support engineer in jodo host in delhi is not in favour of premarital sex.

[19] Gurmeet kaur single working in sale and customer care executive in Jodo host in delhi is not in favour of premarital sex.

[20] Rabindar Acharya system and Network Administrator he is single in delhi and he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[21] Bharat Patel working in Cipla Pharmaceutical as Marketing Executive in Ahmedabad, he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[22] Sonal Patel Computer teacher in Primary school in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[23] Sheetal Patel Post graduate working from home in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[24] Shweta Mishra Lawyer in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[25] Saroj Mishra Lawyer in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[26] Savita Mishra Lawyer in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[27] Sunita Mishra Lawyer in Ahmedabad she is not in favor of Premarital sex.

[28] Manoj Shah software engineer Earlier from Baroda has done arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[29] Asif Ansari from kokataa business man of leather good he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[30] Sabir Patel software engineer Working in USA in (PCS) has done arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[31] Zahir Kapadia software engineer working in Banglore in Infosys has done arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[31] Irfan Patel software engineer working in Banglore in covensays has done arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[33] Javed Kapadia in New zeal land software professional who did arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[34] Celina From Philippine student of Graduation college she said as per current trend she has no objection in having pre-marital sex with whom she love.

[35] Gireeshan T Gopi Manger in Videocon Pvt Ltd he did arrange marriage he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[36] Nandan Nair Own business (Mechanic of Petrol pump machine) married he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[37] Vishwanath from ahmedabad Retired Government servant who married at age of sixteen , he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[38] Kamala from ahmedabad House wife who married at age of fifteen, she is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[39] Teen sensation of Indian tennis Sania Mirza 19 year old, she is in favour of pre-marital sex but she was not able to tolerate question from media on this issue and she just walked away.

[40] Amir khan Film actor who recently got married with kiran rao by giving divorce to her first wife with whom also he has done love marriage, support pre-marital sex ..:D

[41] Flim Actress Khusboo got in trouble by giving his opinion in favour of pre-marital sex Publicly in press After that she cried in media and she was sorry

[42] Dilip Tiwari from surat Student of Bcom married at the age of 19 arrange marriage , happy with his wife, wife is also studying in college, & he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[43] Seema Tiwari Wife of Dilip she is also not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[44] Mohit Agarwal student From IIT doing Mtech from KGP is not in favour of Pre-marital sex.

[45] Raj Arora from delhi said who had seen the future sex is not a big thing its only friction of skin. he also added I am not favouring pre-marital sex or extra marital sex & i am not oppsiing it, if I get opportunity to do sex I will do.

[46] Paresh Patel from ahmedabad Software professional having own business and part time lecturer is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[47] Rakesh Gujjar did arrange marriage, he is software engineer from Ahmedabad working as Lecturer and consultant is also not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[48] Bhagwat Parmar from Blore software professional has done arrange marriage is not in favour of Premarital sex

[49] Zubair software engineer Working in Cognizant in Pune , he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[50] Arti working as software engineer did arrange marriage she is not in favour of premarital sex

[51] Biju Thomas did arrange marriage working in purchace department in ahmedabad , he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[52] Dhiraj sharma working in Paragon in Banglore as Business consultant, , he is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[53] Pooja software professional staying in USA she did love marriage she is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[54] Richa Misra computer engineer working in Flexitrones Gurgaon recently got married (arrange marriage) she is not in favour of pre-marital sex.

[56]Personally I dont favour Pre-Marital sex

My list can goes on increasing ....

I hope people those who will read this forum will get better idea about what Indian are thinking in matters of pre-marital sex...

Note:- I know all of them personally..... so what i had written is true ..... many are engineers, some are lawyer, some are Managers, some teachers and lecturers

And what Niku has said on issue of premarital sex is also correct.
Always Friend Sunilkumar

90% of female those who are HIV positive in India are been infected because of their Husband's who were involved in Pre-marital sex or extra marital sex.

India1989

01-08-2006, 12:01 AM

no one prefers premarital sex with some other guy. but its good if premarital sex is between you and your partner who you know you are gonna marry. There's nothign harm in that.

Priyanka

01-08-2006, 09:56 AM

I am not fully agree with India1989 on half of his statement i do agree...which is "no girl prefers premarital sex with some other guy to whon she is not going to marry"

Second half of statement which is below...I dont agree with that
"its good if premarital sex is between you and your partner who you know you are gonna marry. There's nothign harm in that"

On this i will say uncertinity is principle of life, we had already seen case of venky in which two people were in love but not able to marry, if you know you are going to marry then you can control yourself till you dont get marry.

This also has do lot with indian culture, society and Indian Male Mentality, you say its good I say its not good because some time after engagement also alliance are broken. sometime male just make girl fall in love then they miss use her they do sex by telling them lie that they are going to marry them and then they dont marry... so if two people are in love than they can wait for sex till they don't get marry...

And if we are not able to control our sexual desier than it is better for us to marry and do sex with our spouse :)

India1989 i will also say there is no harm in doing sex, but eveything has its own time... I hope you understand now

You can also see the post of sunilkumar from that you can know what majority of indian say on matter of pre-marital sex.

CJgirl

01-09-2006, 04:07 AM

Priyanka- I respect your decision "not" to have sex before marriage, but to say or agree that
"no girl" prefers premarital sex with some other guy to whom she is not going to marry, is first of all speaking for "all girls" everywhere in the world and in India, which would make your statement not true. Millions of girls around the world, and some in India too I suppose, would disagree with you and are having premarital sex everyday. I didn't do sex before marriage, partially out of the fear of the Catholic church (brainwashing I call it) instilled in me over the years, and lack of mature thinking on my own. If I had to do it all over again, I would not let any authority figures decide my life, I would do exactly what I felt was right for me at the time. I would have sex before marriage, but only if I loved the person. And so would millions of other females around the world , because like it or not, it happens everyday, everywhere. Secondly, your comment made by Sunilkumar.
While I do believe that the majority of Indians are against premarital sex (culture), his little survey is not proof positive (sorry Sunil, not exactly scientific, but I do enjoy your posts)that it is so. Thirdly, I agree completely with Venky (I hope you're still around, I have many more questions for you.)
and India1989. Premarital sex is better and should be reserved for someone you are considering marrying. We are never all going to totally agree with each other on this site. Everyone brings to the table different backrounds, cultures, past experiences and morals. So, it doesn't surprise me viewing all the different opinions. I guess the point I am trying to make is, what might be right for you, might not be right for me or other people. But, I do enjoy reading all the posts.

CJgirl

01-09-2006, 05:53 AM

Venky said, "I dont think I can 'know' a girl enough in say few hours/days of face to face meetings with her. Many of us may tend to put our best 'face' forward (especially when we want to get the other person). How dangerous it is if one cant be honest and straight forward when making a big decision like choosing somebody else as their life time companion?"

I think he is completely right in what he is saying, but how do other people in India justify this? How do people that believe in arranged marriage meet with someone (I know they have prior info) for a few hours and be certain this is their "soulmate for life?" I am really trying hard to understand this. I agree with Venky. People most certainly will "put their best face forward" and not totally be themselves, to try to attract the other person. No one is ever going to say things like, "why yes, I do have mood swings quite often (but you will never know this until after we're married), or, I have no idea if we will ever be sexually compatible (we can maybe work on it, but who knows what will happen) or, I have somewhat of a drinking problem (but this you will find out after the wedding and deal with it later on your own terms). These are just a few possible example that could happen.

Someone once tried to explain it to me as-"you just meet with the person for an hour or two and you just know. You just get this feeling and know if this is your soulmate." But isn't "that feeling" just really temporary lust or a sudden rush of attraction? How can you "really" know that this is the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, without really spending "alot" of time with them or living with them? I am trying to understand. And please do not say "it is a cultural thing, you wouldn't understand." I have heard this before and to me it is comparable to parents telling their child, "don't do that." And the child asks why. And the parent says, "just because."

Venky mentioned a dowry. Is this still practiced in India but not openly talked about? Is it usually done? Is it against the law? About what percentage of arranged marriages still give a dowry? In secret? For what reason is it suppose to be given and for what reason is it really given (is there a difference?). What is the usual amout of money given? A percentage of the girl's family's assets? If so, what percentage do they give? Is this readily practiced in northern India, or southern India?

Venky- When you finally decide to get married, will your parents expect you to have an arrange marriage? If so, how will you deal with this?

I know that some Indian parents allow their children to decide if they want an arranged marriage or not, but I also understand some do not. How much pressure do you believe most Indian parents place on their children from birth to have an arranged marriage? And if the children do not comply, what tactics do they generally use to get them not to have a love marriage?
Do they sometimes use shame (how?), guilt (how?), threaten to disown them, shame of "not being Indian?" If parents use any or all of these tactics, why does the Indian culture do it? Please understand that I am not trying to offend anyone on this posting, I just have asked questions like this before, and have not received any good answers. I am simply trying to understand.

If my son or daughter (using their free will that I have taught them) elected to marry an Indian, a Jew, a Black person, or an Italian, etc., and the person was a good and honorable person, I would respect "their" choice. The keyword here is "their" choice. Not my choice, but "their" choice. Forget it if I wanted to bond with the other family. This bonding of marriage is not for me, it is "their" life, "their" love and "their" future.

I cannot speak for all Americans, but I believe the majority of Americans openly accept interracial marriage. Perhaps in the 1950's, 60's, and 70's they may have felt differently, but the majority no longer do. So, why do most Indians have an issue with marrying outside of one's race/culture? Please tell me; I am trying to understand.

I had a friend who once said that Hinduism as a religion is very accepting of other people/religions/races, while the people/culture do not. Why is this? Is this true? Shouldn't true Hindus be respectful and not be biased against other races? Isn't descriminating against other people bad karma?

Once again, I don't want to offend anyone with my post, I just would like some honest answers to my questions. Unfortunately, over the internet, it's impossible to understand the tone of my voice to understand my sincerity. Believe me, I mean no disrespect. Thanks. I look forward to reading all of your replies.

~CJGirl

venky

01-09-2006, 07:17 AM

CJGirl, I appreciate your inquisitiveness. I will not take your line of questioning as offensive at all. I like people who question, understand and appreciate rather than assume things.

Venky- When you finally decide to get married, will your parents expect you to have an arrange marriage? If so, how will you deal with this?

My parents are fully aware of my apprehensions about arranged marriage. They understand that arranged marriages are risky as well. They are not asking me to undergo an arranged marriage.

Coming to your question about dowry:
Fortunately dowry system is becoming less popular. With girls being educated, working, and self reliant, the balance is tilting more in favor of girl's side. In case of love marriages, dowry is mostly not given/asked for :)

In arranged marriages, I know people who took dowry anywhere from 10k $ to 500k $. Taking dowry is against the law, but in the interest of getting the girl married, in most of the cases this is never publicized. There were incidents in the last few years where some girls walked out of their marriages protesting against dowry. This has caught media's attention as well.

There could be different reasons for 'taking dowry'. One of the reasons cited is that once a girl gets married, it is her in-laws' responsibility to take care of her. Hence the dowry is given towards the expenses.

Regarding your question related to Hinduism:
Hinduism as I know, is very accepting of other people/cultures/religions.
Hinduism is often mentioned as a 'way of living'. It should not be confused with institutionalized religion, casteism etc.

Hinduism says that all religions are different paths to god. It doesnt discriminate one person from another.

But unfortunately you will find discrimination across indian society in terms of religion, caste, social and economic status, untouchability, women being treated as second grade citizens etc. Casteism and untouchability are in decline. You will also find people from different religions and castes who live together peacefully. India is described sometimes as a land of such contradictions.

sunilkumar

01-09-2006, 05:21 PM

I will like to change something that priyanka said which is "no girl prefers premarital sex with some other guy to whon she is not going to marry"

I will say Most of gal from cultured Indian family will not prefer premarital sex.

Cjgirl as per you--> I didn't do sex before marriage, partially out of the fear of the Catholic church (brainwashing I call it) instilled in me over the years, and lack of mature thinking on my own.

I will say in India we don’t do brain washing of Childs, they are been taught some moral values so that they can make civilized society which can make better India. We dont teach them that they have to do arrange marriage only.

Cjgirl you said--> While I do believe that the majority of Indians are against premarital sex (culture), his little survey is not proof positive (sorry Sunil, not exactly scientific, but I do enjoy your posts)that it is so.

Firstly you are accepting that majority of Indians are against premarital sex . ..Thank U

Secondly I had just mention the view of some people of India those who are Engineers, Lawyer, Lecturers they are all true I even know their address and phone number but as we are discussing this things in public forum, it is my duties not to reveal their phone number and address here. Cjgirl I will tell you one more thing, my grand father is from rural area (village), my father is son of farmer but he worked in Government department and he used to stay in urban area I was born and brought up in city. I used to be in contact with people in village as well as cities, I work in big MNC I know view of peoples those who belong to all class of India. Rural area people strictly oppose premarital sex, and what I had shown is just view of people those who are in Urban area…:D, I did no sampling or I did nothing which is required to do survey as per marketing strategies but the name and their view are all 100% correct, so if you want to believe you can other wise its up to you. Yea It was not scientific survey but that was what Indian believe in matter of premarital sex.

Cjgirl what you say is as per your culture and I do agree with you what might be right for you, might not be right for me or other people.

One thing more I want to say, most of professional killer/serial killer don’t think they are doing any thing wrong against society and culture will they should be allowed to do that?

Cjgirl terrorist say what he/she is doing is not wrong his opinion is not wrong that means we should just respect his opinion and should not oppose them and allow them to do what they want…..:D.?

We all know terrorist thinking is not good for world and their opinion which is public may harm society and culture we don’t support it. Same way most of mature Indian public also don’t support pre-marital sex. And in rural area people say pre-marital sex is sin so matter of supporting doesn’t arise.

Remember one thing those who are winner they are always correct, because, winner writes the history & winner decide what is good for future.

Priyanka said Maturity Never means to accept the things which you believes and you know is wrong,

I just want to add into it I will say Maturity Never means to accept the things which you believes and you know is wrong, & Mature person means the person who can think what is good for him as well as for society & nation to which he belong

I believe those who think pre-marital sex is fair and give such opinion in public in India are fool and they are not sensible at all.

Below are types of Indian Male in matter of pre-marital sex.

Type [1] They do sex before marriage with some one and expect there wife to be virgin.
Type [2] They don’t do sex with any one before marriage and expect there wife to be virgin.
Type [3] They do sex before marriage and they don’t even expect there wife to be virgin.
Type [4] They don’t do sex before marriage and they don’t even expect there wife to be virgin.

But as per the true Indian culture both male and female are expected to be virgin before marriage. But most of male are like dog and smart Indian female like priyanka understand them very well, & the girl those are not able to understand face lots of problem in future.

I already said what Niku has said on issue of premarital sex is also correct.

90% of female those who are HIV positive in India are been infected because of their Husband's who were involved in Pre-marital sex or extra marital sex.

Presonaly if some one will ask me In which category you fall I will probably in Type [2] “They don’t do sex with any one before marriage and expect there wife to be virgin”… well rest depends on my luck ;)

I will give two scenario.

First Girl A having pre-marital sex once with some one but she is good enough as per my dream gal.

Second Girl B had not done any pre-marital sex with any one and she is also good enough as per my dream gal

Then I will go for Girl B. I know people may have different opinion or thinking but as per the Indian male tendency I can say most of male will go for Girl B like me… what ever they say on this forum but fact is this only.

On Dowry
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Earlier in Ancient time Dowry was given to Girls when she was marring and moving into to his hubby house at that time, girls family were used to give wealth (i.e. dowry) to their daughter as she will be in new place in new environment so she must not be financially week because at that time after marriage girl were not used to get right in property of their father family but she used to get right in property of his husband.

Now In present scenario in India law has change Girl does have right in property of his father as well as his husband.

So people those who were not able to understand this love of parent towards their daughter in ancient India, Believes it is a custom to get dowry and to give dowry.

In India it is Illegal to take Dowry.

I do agree with venky On “Taking dowry is against the law, but in the interest of getting the girl married, in most of the cases this is never publicized.”

I will also like to add few things on what venky said ....rich girls father tries to buy husband for their daughter, they all want their daughter to be more secure financially so they always tell boys parent that we will give you good dowry if you accept the alliance of our daughter wi